Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
