I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
