I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
