I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My vagina is officially offended.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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