One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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