We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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