you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
