I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
