Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
