It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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