I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
