Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
