3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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