So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
