Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
