Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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