i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
