he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
