I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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