when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
