I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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