I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
