My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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