god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize