Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
