I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
