So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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