Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She bit a glass in half.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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