Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
