Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
