kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
