my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
