i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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