i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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