What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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