First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
