if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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