So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
