I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I wish my penis had an off switch
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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