I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize