Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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