I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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