yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
