he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
