she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
