our cab driver is having phone sex.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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