I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We had to coat check the pizza.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize