hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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