I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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