is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
