turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
