theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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