My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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