lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
