i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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