New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
