Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize