Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
