Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
