Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
