all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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