The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
