I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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