after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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